Sorry I’ve been MIA for the past week or so but at this point, you’re likely getting used to it, which makes me sad. It’s 2:09am right now. Rob is downstairs “squishie couching” with Mr. Emmett John. Gavin and Elliott Richard are at Grandma and Grandpa W’s spending the night. I should be up here sleeping in my bed, alone, with fewer hot flashes since no one is laying with me. I should be…but I’m not.
I’m not sleeping more than 2 hours at a time, if I manage to sleep at all. Strange. Odd. And generally not good for me, not to mention it’s not my style, right? Thing is that I’ve kinda got quite a bit going on at the moment, more than usual stuff.
I’m going to try and make this short and sweet, not to mention make sense, so, please bare with me here, and remember my sleep cycle is totally outta whack. Then I’ll explain further, in more detail, later. Right now I just need to get some piece of this OUT!!!
When I started in therapy way back when I was 15 years old (yes, I’m that messed up), I took every bubble test known to man. The good news is: I’m sane-ish. (Woo who.) It was the Big Bad that was discovered that scared me.
I was told that something seriously traumatic had happened to me and I was suppressing the memories of whatever it was. Every psychologist I’ve ever had has said the same thing. Basically, to give a Supernatural reference, it’s a lot like when Death puts Sam’s soul back with a wall dividing his memories of Hell from his sanity and he tells Sam, “Whatever you do, don’t scratch the wall!”
I’m Sam, and I’ve spent nearly 18 years not scratching the wall.
Then on Tuesday, at my appointment with Pattie, I had one memory lead to another memory to another, and the next thing I know my wall is shattered, completely decimated, leaving me standing in the middle of a disaster area that’s part wall gush and part everything else from my life. It’s exhausting, depressing, over whelming and so very confusing.
And so, now that you probably think I’ve lost I’m mind, which I assure you I haven’t, I’m simply really exhausted, depressed, over whelmed and confused – more so than usual. I’m not a harm to myself or anyone else – namely Rob and the Boys. I guess it just amounts to me being in a really, really rough spot. My back is stuck between a rock and a hard place and all I can seem to do is sleep – poorly – or cry.
So maybe if you pray or send up positive vibes or whatever you are comfortable with, if you could say some for me. I could really use them right now. Thanks.